


Wait Around for the Dust to Still

by cold_feets



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode Related, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-28
Updated: 2011-07-28
Packaged: 2017-10-21 20:22:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/229390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cold_feets/pseuds/cold_feets
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the same argument they've been having since they first met, and with battle imminent and the room awash in the shadow of the angel-proofing from the windows, Cas knows this might very well be the last chance they get to have it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wait Around for the Dust to Still

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place following Dean and Castiel's final scene in 6x20.

Cas disappears, but he doesn’t leave, though he can tell by the way that Dean utterly deflates that Dean thinks he’s gone. Castiel stands there, watching him for a moment, the way his shoulders slump, how he forces himself to take a few deep breaths. Dean looks wrung out and old, and Cas wishes there was some way he could make him understand.

Instead, he locates Moishe Campbell’s journal on Bobby’s bookshelves and slips it into his coat pocket. He turns and looks at Dean one last time, still standing in the middle of the room, arms crossed against his chest as he stares at the angel-proofing on the windows.

Castiel knows he should go. But for some reason, he can’t make himself.

He reappears to Dean with a warning flap of his wings to announce his presence. Dean doesn’t turn.

“What do you want now?” Dean asks. There’s no venom behind it, only exhaustion.

But Cas doesn’t know what he wants, only that he can’t leave things like this.

"You called me family. Your brother. Is that truly how you feel?"

Dean sighs and drops his chin to his chest. "Cas--"

"Answer the question."

For a moment, there is nothing but the sound of Dean breathing and the familiar creaks of Bobby’s old house. Cas’s hand closes around the book in his pocket. He has what he came for. He should go. He should--

Dean turns and looks at him. "You're the only friend I've ever really had. You get that, right? You get that I don’t _ever_... Yeah, you’re family. You're one of us."

"Then grant me the same courtesy as you would Bobby or Sam,” Cas begs, taking a step closer, steeled a bit by the fact that Dean doesn’t back away. “That's all I ask. I am not alone in making deals with demons in this family. Each one of you--"

"That's not the same, and you know it."

"You did it to save Sam. Sam did it to save you. Sam and Ruby--"

"Don't," Dean says sharply.

And Castiel has always known that he has to tread lightly when it comes to Sam, doubly so when it involves his relationship with Ruby, but that's just the point. "You listened. You forgave. Why don't I get a second chance?"

"Look, you _know_ what you're doing is wrong. Otherwise, you wouldn't have lied about it. So why keep doing it? I'm _giving_ you a second chance. Right now! We'll find another way. We _always_ find another way!"

"How?" Cas asks. "With rocksalt and iron? This isn't the kind of fight you're used to. You're not prepared--"

Dean steps forward and grabs him by the arm, forcing his gaze to his. "We'll find another way," he repeats. "Please, Cas."

"Why are you fighting this? I'm trying to save your world. I’m trying to keep you safe. All of this is for you!"

"I don't want it! Can't you understand that?" Dean pushes his hand through his hair and lets out a low breath. "All the torture and the killing and... I don't want it! I'm not worth it, Cas!"

It's the same argument they've been having since they first met, and with battle imminent and the room awash in the shadow of the angel-proofing from the windows, Cas knows this might very well be the last chance they get to have it.

"Dean. You..." Cas shakes his head. Then he leans in and presses his lips to Dean's in possibly the most foolish moment of his entire existence, but when Dean reaches up and curls his hand around the back of Cas's head, keeping him there, Cas's stomach drops in the best of ways, his hands reaching up to grab the front of Dean's shirt. He doesn't know what this is, doesn't know why Dean's letting him in, but it tastes like the edge of forgiveness, and he's too desperate for it to stop himself.

"Don't do this," Dean breathes against his mouth. "Please."

"You don't understand what you're asking me."

"I understand enough," he insists. "Let me help."

"You're a good man, Dean Winchester." Castiel leans his forehead against Dean's and tries to will it into his skin, burn it into his soul so Dean finally understands, once and for all how he fits into this world. "But you can't help me."

"Cas..."

"Enough." It has to be enough. There isn't time, and that's always been the problem. Always the end of the world at their heels. He pulls away, and his chest aches when Dean doesn't fight him.

He finds a pen and paper in Bobby's desk and nods toward the angel-proofing on the windows. "I'll show you how to do these properly."

"Why?"

"Those are ineffective."

"I mean, why would you want to help us keep you from getting in?"

He pauses with the pen in hand, unable to look up at Dean. "Maybe I need something to stop me from trying."

He draws out the sigils, forcing his hand steady, and he wonders just when exactly Dean Winchester made him feel so incredibly human. As he holds out the paper to Dean, he can't help but think of it as a punishment. This is the price of all his disobedience, stuck between these two worlds with the voice of the Host in his head and a heart that clenches in his chest when Dean finally, slowly takes the paper from his hand.

"Cas..."

"Tell Sam I didn't bring him back without his soul intentionally. I would never..."

Dean blinks at him, surprised. Then he nods. "I will."

"It's important that he understands." That both of them understand. With his chin still prickling from the rough of Dean's cheek, the room is filled with things unsaid, but _this_ is the one thing he can focus on. He can't leave with Dean thinking that he would turn one of them into a monster just for his own purposes, not when everything Cas had done from the moment he first raised Dean was to keep these two boys safe. "I didn't know until it was too late. I was only trying to--"

"I know you were." The paper wrinkles in Dean's fist, and he breathes in like he's about to say something else.

But Cas blinks and is halfway around the world before the words leave his lips, the stolen journal heavy in his pocket, because even with all the horrible things he's faced, Castiel can't bear to hear Dean tell him _goodbye_.


End file.
